February 16, 2013

ten steps to losing 5kgs in 3 months™

I went back to work in November 2012 after two months of maternity leave. Since then, I've been getting comments on how quickly I lost the baby fat. Dearest husband even commented that I was thinner now than I was when we got married.

Lil' Kai is now almost six months and I've lost close to 8 kgs now. Everyone wondered how I did it. Well, here's how ... I posted this on my Facebook on 18 January, when lil' Kai woke me up at 3am and would not go back to sleep. I multi-tasked  ... a skill every mom will develop, over time.

10 STEPS TO LOSING 5 KGS IN 3 MONTHS
{Not recommended for the faint hearted, and men.}


  1. Get some caffeine into system in the office before starting on the reports {or whatever it is you're hired to do}.
  2. Skip lunch because eye lids will refuse to stay open another second longer. Nap if you can.
  3. Pack in more caffeine into body after lunch hour so you can crank out more reports {or whatever it is you need to do} without eyelids fusing shut.
  4. Eat a five minute dinner ... seven minute tops. Remember to cut down on carbs and load up on proteins and grass ... uhm, I mean greens. Take a ten minutes show now or sneak peek at step #6 for some hygiene hope.
  5. Carry and sway 6kg plus baby to sleep until 9pm or 10pm ... sometimes only until 8pm, if lucky. Baby will put on weight over time thus ensuring more fat burned and muscle toning.
    {Tip: Try multi-tasking here on your iPhone or whatever touch screen smartphone you own - Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, Trolls and Towers, Pixel People, etc. - for a faster route to a toner left arm.
  6. Try to get some shut eye until 10pm-ish {if baby slept at 8pm} and then wake up for round one of baby milk feeding - then sleep.
    {You can opt to stay awake and take a shower if you missed it between steps #4 and #5. If baby slept at 10pm, you can skip this step entirely and move on to next step.}
  7. Repeat baby milk feeding at 1am. Sleep and move on to the next step.
  8. Repeat baby milk feeding, again at 3am and then carry & sway the now babbling and playful baby to sleep until 5am or 6am-ish.
  9. Take a quick nap until 7am only if the babbling and playful baby has gone to sleep in step #8, otherwise skip step #9 entirely and proceed directly to step #10.
  10. Repeat steps #1 to #9. 

Remarks:
  • You will need to purchase a high quality concealer and foundation {liquid is high recommended for excellent coverage} due to the developing dark circles and under eye bags.
  • Stock up on good coffee. You might be crankier than Aberneezer Scrooge when you run out; you have been forewarned.
  • Do not mix Brands' Essence of Chicken in daily routine above if you're high on caffeine. It will keep you awake and chirpy like the Energizer Bunny but you'll feel as though a jackhammer is hammering through your skull for a full day.
  • Drink at least 2 litres of water.
You will start to see results in about two weeks. Good luck!


FINE PRINT:
CHECK WITH YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER BEFORE STARTING ON ANY WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMME - UNLESS YOU'RE A MOTHER TO AN INFANT OR TODDLER BELOW 1 YEARS OF AGE, THEN YOU RELALY DON'T HAVE A CHOICE EXCEPT THAN TO SUCK IT UP AND HOPE AGAINST HOPE THAT YOUR EFFORTS WILL EVENTUALLY BE APPRECIATED - PERHAPS WITH SOMETHING INSIDE A BOX IN THE HUE OF #81D8D0".